I’m not sure what happened to my blogging mojo the last few months, but it just seems to have fallen to to the side in the middle of everything else.

But here, today, I’ve holed myself up in a sweet little coffee shop with a hot drink and some music in my headphones and some rain falling outside, and if I can’t get words to come out in this kind of atmosphere, then all hope is lost. Hehe. I’m actually a really big “atmosphere” person, and I like to have cozy settings pretty much all of the time. Candles, dim lights (that’s why if you come hang out at my house in the evening, you might need a flashlight to see what’s going on), the right kind of music, all of that. Sometimes it gets a little ridiculous, I will admit…since I’ve left the supper growing cold on the table and my husband sitting there waiting while I scurry around trying to get the candles lit and the music going so it can feel like it’s supposed to.

The last month has felt like a whirlwind, and I honestly cannot believe how fast time seems to be moving these days. In so many ways, I feel like a different person than I did four weeks ago. I guess watching some of your dearest friends try to process the death of a son and brother, and trying to process it along with them and so many others who loved this guy, will change you. It’s a good change, yes, and I suppose in many ways I’m not even sure what has changed in me, but I just feel different.

I do know this: that during the five weeks that Michael fought so valiantly for his life and during the countless prayers and times of worship and waking up in the night with him and his family in the forefront of my mind and even during his death and funeral and now in the days following…my heart has come to know this in a greater and deeper way than I’ve known it yet in my life…

The Lord is fully sovereign and fully good.

I don’t understand why Michael died, but I do know that I don’t have to. It doesn’t make sense to any of us, but it doesn’t have to. What his life and his death does need to do is drive us to the heart and love of a good God who cares deeply and loves deeply.

My friend, Sarah, wrote a beautiful tribute to Michael or “Ev”…you can read it here.

I was actually in South Carolina when I found out that Michael died, and while it was so good to be home and with family and friends, it was also hard to be away from Ben and the rest of our church family during the initial shock and grief. I was able to catch a ride up on Friday, and it was such a good feeling to be back in New York with my husband and friends.

The few days I did spend in South Carolina were full of family time, and I feel like I was more intentional about soaking up each moment with them then I ever have been. We drank a lot of coffee, ate a lot of pastries, shopped, and just had a really good time together. There were those few awkward times when my sister would just stand next to me and rub my belly, which had to look a little odd to anyone watching since I’m not visibly pregnant yet. Baby Lou (as my sister has nicknamed this little one) is already so loved and I can’t wait to watch my family meet and love on this child. Goodness, I can’t wait to meet and love on this child!

I will actually be going back down to South Carolina next week to finish out my planned visit, and the week is already full of fun things with friends. It’s been a long time since I’ve been back in the south with time to really catch up with everyone, so it will be nice to spend a few days just doing that.

A few things I’ve been loving lately:

– yogurt and honey face masks (makes your face feel so soft!)

– crocheting (working on a baby blanket + some of these cuties)

– this song

– and this one

– this book (so good)

– this recipe (can’t get enough!)

– quiet and cozy days

– my growing belly

What about you: what are some things you are loving lately?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Do you ever have days or weeks or months where you just feel completely inadequate?

Like, there’s this niggling feeling that is riding under everything you do and everything you are, and it leaves you feeling like you’re just really, really failing at all that is important in life…when even the good you do do (don’t laugh at the do do…wait, no, yes, please laugh) doesn’t even feel like good. If you’ve ever felt like that, I’m here to say: me too.

I realized a few days ago that this little voice saying ‘you’re inadequate’ was playing over and over again in my head, and then I realized that it’s been doing that a really long time. And then I realized that this little thing in my head was starting to really ruin my life. Because isn’t it true that to do anything from a place of negativity will only leave you feeling like a failure no matter how amazing or good or perfect that thing was. That doesn’t meant we hype ourselves up with overwhelming positivity just so we can feel good about ourselves, but I think you get what I mean.

Here’s another moment of honesty: the last few months have been hard. Not hard in like a ‘this is super hard and i’m struggling and feeling overwhelmed’ kind of hard…but just…hard. Different. Anyone who’s been through a first trimester can probably understand this, because you’re just not yourself. I really struggled with feeling like such a failure as a wife and a friend and a person in general. I didn’t cook or clean or even get off the couch somedays. Ben would get home from work and I would hardly have energy to ask him about his day or give him a kiss. I felt like I was so wrapped up in my little world of nausea or exhaustion that everything else sorta faded away, and I didn’t like it. I’ve said it before, but I have an incredibly amazing husband who cared for me so kindly during those sickie days. He was so gracious about what I was feeling and never complained about the thrown together suppers or all the times I failed to remember to make something for his lunch. I couldn’t have done the last few months without him!

I like having things to do and I like taking care of my home and my kitchen and laundry and grocery shopping. I like feeling like I am contributing something to life instead of the one taking taking taking. And in the past months where the taking was happening a lot, it made me feel so inadequate. Like just one big failure.

Like one big I’ll-just-be-here-on-the-couch-while-my-husband-cooks-dinner-and-cleans-up-dinner-and-brings-me-tea-and-crackers kind of failure.

Grace is a really hard to give yourself sometimes, isn’t it? It seems more right to be harsh on yourself, to talk down on yourself because of all the failures, whether those are real or perceived ones. But I think if we don’t give ourselves grace than we will only fall into the horrible trap of feeling inadequate and feeling like we are just never enough and we never will be. And that, my dears, is a sad place to be.

So today I tell you and I tell myself this: that you are enough, and even in the places of your life where there is room for growth and improvement, than there is grace.

And grace is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

What about you: do you find yourself feeling inadequate easily? Do you find it hard to extend grace to yourself?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!