Mother Love

motherhood + home + family

THIRTY TWO WEEKS // pregnancy diaries

The countdown continues, and our waiting is down to two months!

My belly is growing and growing, and honestly I do love to see it pop out more every day. It means that baby is growing and getting ready to meet us! Movements keep getting stronger and more intense, and I love that so much. Sometimes I’ll have my laptop or a book sitting on my stomach and that little peanut starts kicking and making it bounce all over the place. It’s the cutest thing. His kicks and squirms are still strongest at night, but so far they don’t wake me up or keep me awake when I am already awake (which is still several times a night…pregnancy potty breaks don’t joke around).

At our last prenatal appointment, our midwife showed us how we can better tell what position the baby is in, and from that we can now easier figure out what little part we’re feeling when he’s laying in a way that we can actually feel him. Now we just freak out over feeling a little bum or a shoulder or a foot sticking out. WE FEEL YOU, BABY!

One of the sweetest things that I treasure so much is how often the baby will start moving and kicking whenever Ben comes home or starts talking or reading aloud…it’s the darlingest thing! And almost every night we’ll feel a little “hi there” kick for us as we both put our hands on my belly and say Psalm twenty-three together over our child…such a sweet connection with that little one already! He’s gonna love his daddy, I know that, and I already know that my heart is going to explode a thousand times a day watching my husband with my child.

My uterus has grown really well from our last appointment too, which after the fears I dealt with at measuring so small was such a good thing to hear! His heartbeat is wild and fast and so precious, and hearing that little thing inside of me makes me so.so.so very excited for the day he or she is on the outside and in our arms. Two months will go by in a flash…right?!?

We’re still slowly getting our baby room put together. Ben is working on painting the crib and changing table, and once we get those things finished, everything will feel like it’s coming together! I have a few little projects and diy’s on my to-do list yet, but they’ll get done eventually. We’ve had two baby shower evenings thrown for us in the past few weeks, and those were so special and fun. Our friends and family have been so generous in helping us get set up for this little one, and we feel blessed and surrounded by love in this new step of our life.

I’m still feeling really good, and while I have noticed my energy levels flagging a bit in the last few weeks, it’s nothing to complain about. There’s the random aches and pains, of course, but only to be expected with things shifting and moving around like they have to in order to birth a baby. My leg cramp issues haven’t improved a whole lot, and if I’m laying in bed and try to flex my foot, I will get a super intense cramp in my calf…but between drinking more water and eating more bananas for potassium, I think it’s getting a little better. I don’t get any cravings, which is actually a little disappointing to me. Just once it would be fun to dramatically crave some odd concoction or random meal…you know, making my husband take me to the store for shrimp and ice cream at midnight or some such thing. But it’s pretty much all normal eating around here, which is a good thing, of course. I still eat a ton of fruit and yogurt, but not because it’s this out-of-control craving…I just like it, hehe.

I had some friends ask me the other day if being pregnant was like I expected…and I had to think about it a little, but I realized that it’s actually been easier than I expected. I’ve enjoyed this season of my life so very much. And while yes, there are days when I feel like a house and have little melt downs because nothing seems to fit or look right on me, I have genuinely enjoyed being pregnant…far more than I thought I would. There is something so very sacred about carrying a life inside of you, and when I stop and ponder it in my heart, I feel so honored. I had a day last week where I was fighting some of those old familiar lies and starting to let myself feel so huge and horrible and bleh and tired of being pregnant…but the next morning, my little baby was moving and kicking so much more than normal and it made me stop and just cry for a little while because it was like this sweet little reminder saying, “it’s because of me, mom…it’s for me.” And my heart was instantly restored, and the joy of pregnancy filled me once again. Yes, little one, it is for you. Just for you.

What about you: in what ways did you struggle with being pregnant? Did you enjoy your pregnancies? 

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

DROWNING IN PERFECT LOVE

Fear.

I have come to believe that fear is one of the biggest traps that is used against us to keep us from experiencing life as we were meant to as children of God. Fear is crippling. It keeps you from dreaming and believing and essentially keeps you from walking in faith. And it is so common. I’ve found in my own life that sometimes fear is so common and feels so normal that I don’t even recognize it as such. But when I do and when I let it go, there is a most wonderful freedom that my heart finds in return.

I’m not a big worrier type of person generally, although I have become much more so since I’ve been married for whatever reason. I think it’s easier to worry and fear when you have so much to lose…and there have been times that I’ve driven myself to tears thinking of losing my husband or worrying about him when he didn’t come home when I thought he would or was out in the woods later than usual.

But last week I was battling fear in a really big way. It was like this oppressive, horrible cloud over my heart…like this all-consuming THING right smack in the front of my face at every moment. I felt like I could get away from it.

I mentioned on Monday that at my last prenatal appointment, I was measuring really small for where I am at in the pregnancy. I was a little small at the previous appointment six weeks earlier as well, but not in the large increment that this last appointment showed us. At first, I didn’t feel that worried about it…like I said, I’m not generally the lets-assume-the-worst kind of person. But the next day, this thing hit me like a train…I was.so.scared. All the what-if’s and what-am-I-doing-wrong’s and is-my-baby-ok’s flooded my mind and I didn’t know what to do. My baby was too small and I didn’t know why and I felt helpless and really, really afraid. I would just stand in my kitchen and put my hands on my belly and beg that little one in there to just be ok…(first-time mom dramatics here, hehe)

Eventually, I realized what I was doing…I was fully entrenching myself into fear. I was letting all the negative possibilities and judgements be in control, instead of reaching out to Jesus. I was keeping my fears to myself and trusting myself to make it better, rather than taking those fears and giving them to the One Who cares infinitely more for my little child than I even do. Sometimes, fear is legitimate, and I guess I can’t say that to feel it is wrong…but what we do with that feeling makes all the difference.

I’m not so afraid any more. My fears are in Jesus’ hands, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is good and that He cares and that His plans are good. I don’t know why my measurements are so far off from where they should be, and of course I still feel a mama’s apprehension about the health of my baby, but the fear isn’t controlling me. Because when it does, there is absolutely nothing good that comes from it. I’ve listened to this song over and over again in the last few days, and the “my fears are drowned in perfect love” line says it perfectly. And I am endlessly grateful for that love and the freedom from the crippling fear that we can have.

What about you: do you battle fears in certain aspects of your life as well? 

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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