I feel so endlessly messy sometimes.
Not messy with stuff and clutter and piles everywhere (i’m actually sorta a neat-keep-everything-in-its-place freak), but messy in my soul. Goodness, sometimes I feel so messy in my soul.
The past few weeks have felt exceptionally messy and full of issues, for whatever reason. I feel like there are so many things eating at my soul…little niggling doubts and fears and insecurities that make me feel emotional and unstable and, dare I say, moody. I know I’m pregnant, and they say there are hosts of hormones and crazy things going on physically that can contribute to all of this…but I’m not going to use that. I have to own up to my mess in spite of whatever estrogen or progesterone or other hormonally charged things are running through me. I am responsible for me, for the state of my heart and my soul…hormones are not in charge. I’m not saying they don’t have the ability to affect me – because I believe they do – but I am saying that I am still responsible for my heart and actions.
Anyway, so the mess…
I guess most of us are this way….where you know what you want to be, the kind of person you want to be, the kind of security and joy and peace that you want to walk in every day, and you have that vision in your head (a good thing, btw)…and then you go through those seasons where that person that you want to be feels like they moved to the other side of the planet with no plans to ever return. When all the little things become big things and you get frustrated with every.little.thing and your emotions are always on the tippy top just waiting to spill out in tears…I feel like I’ve been in that season for the past few weeks.
I’ve apologized to my husband more times in the past month that I have in the past year, because I get annoyed at him for the silliest things. I’ve said more things that I shouldn’t have said, felt things I don’t normally feel, battled insecurity more strongly than normal. I’ve skipped quiet time with the Bible and prayer because I was “too busy,” spent more time browsing the internet and endlessly comparing myself to my peers or perfect strangers who look like they have it all together. I’ve entertained more fears and anxieties about the future than I’ve ever allowed myself to entertain before.
This is the mess I am. But this is the beautiful truth that hit my heart and soul in such a profound way that it left me almost breathless: He loves me in spite.
He loves me in the middle of my endless mess. And for that, dear friends, I am so.so.so thankful.
What about you: do you find yourself feeling messy sometimes? Is it easy to feel like God is frustrated with you just because you are frustrated with yourself?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
This is just EXACTLY what our ladies' Bible study was about on Sunday. (Jump in for the next one, you won't regret it) Lysa Terkeurst says,” He doesn't want perfect, He wants imperfect progress.” And I tucked that one away for my 'messy' days.
I can completely relate to this. You put to words what I was feeling all of last summer and just couldn't find a way to express. Even as a self labeled neat-freak, I can honestly say that a messy soul is so much more stressful + wearisome than a messy house.
Sounds like a great study! And I love that quote…we often expect far more out of ourselves than anyone else does, even God.
Haha, so true! Houses are easier to clean up. 😉