I AM NOT A NUMBER

We have a scale in our house, but I don’t use it.

I used to use it. Almost every day, actually. I used to step on that scale with a mixture of both fear and excitement, having to know what it was going to tell me about myself. I felt fear over what the number might be, but I also felt excitement over what the number might be. If the number was one I liked, than everything was ok. I was still ok. But if it was higher than I wanted, fear grabbed me and took me even deeper into control and striving. I would have to eat less or exercise more or somehow punish myself for allowing that number to go up.

I actually don’t even like numbers. Math was my least favorite subject in school, and I made my lowest grades in this class. Numbers are too unbending for me. They require way too much structure and strict adherence to following formulas and equations. Even managing my money numbers is just a huge chore for me. I just don’t like numbers.

Funny then, that I gave them so much power over my life for so long.

But numbers are losing their power over me now. I don’t assign myself to a number any more…no weight number, no clothing size number, no numbers. Because I’m not a number.

I haven’t stepped on a scale for over eight months now, and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will again. The last time I weighed myself, I had a complete melt down, because the number that stared back at me was a one that I said I would never find myself at again. But that’s just it: it’s just a number. Just an insipid little number.

It’s a number that tells me nothing about myself. It doesn’t tell me if I am beautiful or kind or gracious or fun or loved or good enough or intelligent or witty or awesome. It doesn’t tell me if I am a good wife or good mother or good friend…it doesn’t tell me that I cannot eat enough or that I have to work out more. It doesn’t tell me anything that matters. It’s just a number.

I’m not saying that no one should ever use a scale, because it can be a beneficial tool in certain situations. And some people can weigh themselves and not let it affect their self-image or feelings about themselves. But you know in your heart if that scale is something that you have given any kind of power to…any kind of power to validate or invalidate you. The scale will always fluctuate, always change, and especially if you’re a woman. We get some strange stuff going on sometimes, don’t we?

If you find yourself using the scale to give you worth or beauty, I want you to know that it doesn’t give you either. It can perhaps give you a perceived worth or beauty, but that’s only in your own head, in your own heart. The scales and the numbers will never define you.

Just remember this: the numbers only have power if you give it to them. Otherwise, they mean nothing.

What about you: what are your thoughts about the scale and the numbers?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!