Well, we’ve made it for a full six weeks now with two little ones and it’s been both some of the best and the most challenging weeks of my life. Somehow being a mom of two versus one makes me feel like a real-deal mother…and it’s good, so very good, but also sometimes full of crazy and a bit of chaos and a whole lot of Jesus-help-me-in-this-moment-or-else-I’m-going-to-go-crazy.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks…some good things, some ugly things. I learned that I really, really, really value quiet and calm and peace, and that when those things are threatened by two growing little ones with needs and demands and really loud cries and voices, it can cause me to react in ways that are not very pretty or motherly. There’s nothing wrong with valuing peace and calm, but I’ve learned that I value it way to highly…and in all honesty, I have sadly valued it above my children’s little hearts at times. I’ve had to come face to face with the fact that I have some really selfish heart issues because the demands of caring for two seem to be more than doubled than it is with one, and it can be so easy to put more focus on what I want or need (like sleep or drinking my cup of coffee in peace or to not have someone crawling and jumping all over me constantly when i’m sitting down to nurse) versus what they want or need. But in all reality, those times when I’ve felt stretched to the maximum with everything that was needed from me…well, they are good moments. Healthy moments. But hard ones. I can already tell my mom-capacity has grown and I know it will just continue to grow as my little ones grow.
Thankfully, it does seem like we are past the transition and adjustment phase and life has just simply taken on a new normal now. Ayla is back to her sweet self and absolutely adores her baby sister. She’s the first to jump up to “help her” when she hears Aveline crying or fussing and is always trying to tell me what she thinks her sister needs…paci, milk, to burp etc. It’s so sweet! Sometimes she will randomly come over and just place her hand on Avy’s head when I’m holding her or go lay on the floor beside her and just watch her or try to give her toys, and she’s more recently started attempting to pick her up so we’ll have to keep a close eye on that. If Avy is awake when I go in to get Ayla up in the mornings, she always wants her to “be in my crib with you?” (how to you explain the concept of you vs. me to a child? “when you talk about me, you say you, and when you talk about you, you say me” pretty confusing for those little minds!). It’s an answer to my prayers to see Ayla love her baby sister so much, and she really never has had any moments of jealousy or resentments towards her. She is actually sometimes very possessive of Aveline and will fuss and cry if anyone else wants to hold her besides Ben or I…it’s cute, but we’re trying to teach her that’s it ok to share her baby sister with our friends, hehe.
Last week has been the first that I’ve felt like getting out with the two girls on my own. Before then, the only time I was out was with either Ben or my mom with me, so it’s good to feel up to being out on my own. I know a lot of other mothers get out way sooner with two or more, but I just didn’t push myself any farther than what I felt comfortable and peaceful doing. Those first weeks were special just staying at home with my babies (i still call them both babies, ha), but it does feel really nice to feel confident and comfortable with getting out on my own now.
I’m truly so thankful for each of these sweet babies of mine, even if it does mean less sleep and less quiet and less ease. I wouldn’t trade them or this season for anything.
