It happened on Sunday.
We were out on a fun little family outing to Rochester, having lunch at my favorite cafe with three of my favorite people. It was a gorgeous day and I was wearing something I felt cute in and I had taken time to do a good curl job on my hair that morning and I was sipping my favorite maple latte that I ordered for the ride home. As we drove away from the cafe, I reached for my camera and started scrolling through the photos Ben had taken of Ayla and me that morning. We had went outside on the deck right before we left and the lighting was nice and Ayla was cooperative and hey, I felt pretty cute in my curls and dress. I just knew that for once I was going to look good in a photo. These were going to be great!
But as I scrolled through them, I felt myself sinking. And all these thoughts starting whirling through my head:
I look ridiculous.
My arms are so fat!
My face is so puffy!
My hair is so weird!
I am so not beautiful.
Suddenly, my whole day started to feel sour. These lies and accusations started pouring into my soul and it made me want to retreat from all that was going on around me. In that moment, I let myself start to internalize all these thoughts…because honestly they are so familiar that it feels strange to shove them away when they do come. I’ve learned a lot in the past two years about beauty and body image and the true source of identity…and most times the lies bounce right off. But then some days, I fall down really hard too.
As we drove, I just sat there in the passenger seat…pretending to be engaged in the conversation and fun. But inside, all I could think about was this:
…how can I make myself beautiful?
I started thinking of the ways that I should eat differently or watch more YouTube tutorials on hair and makeup or figure out how to dress more stylishly or start exercising obsessively. Somehow I had to change myself! I had to DO something, figure out that magic formula that would finally give me the beauty that I was craving and seemingly lacking. I found myself wanting to even get upset at Ben because he took the pictures and why didn’t he tell me that I was standing the wrong way and that my “good side” was facing away from the camera and if he would only use different angles when he’s shooting, I wouldn’t look so bad. But see, it didn’t have actually have anything to do with the angles…it was about my heart and the lies and faulty sense of identity.
This negative thought train lasted for twenty minutes before I suddenly realized what was happening…I was doing it again. I was believing the lie again that I was the one that could make me beautiful…that I was the one that controlled my beauty. But I was forgetting this truth…
…that I am made beautiful and nothing that I do or don’t do will make more or less so.
Beautiful is something a woman is.
No matter what kind of bodily imperfections or frizzy/weird hair or sense of style we have…it doesn’t change anything about who we are:: beautiful. stunning. lovely. Even if we don’t believe it, we are still:: beautiful. stunning. lovely.
So I sat in the car that afternoon and yelled ALICIA ROSE LAPP STOP IT RIGHT NOW to myself in my mind, and it helped. I stopped that negative train and turned my heart back to what is true and unchangeable. And the whole day turned gorgeous and bright again.
PS. I purposely picked the photos at the top of this post from the ones we took on Sunday. I also purposely picked ones that I didn’t think were good enough to be seen…ones with my “bad side,” my double chin, and strange hair part showing. I did that because it seemed like a good way to slap those silly lies in the face and to tell perfectionism that it doesn’t belong here anymore.
PPS. Read this. Just please read this.
PPPS. I’m also really sorry for the awful Britney Spears song reference…it just seemed like the right title for this post, ha!
What about you: do you find it easy to jump on that negative train about yourself? How do you help yourself jump off of it?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Alicia Rose Lapp… I am going to tell you what I thought of the photo you shared on Instagram for days ago from this photoshoot. I thought, ‘Gosh, her arms look good!’ I’m not even kidding you, that was my exact thought.
But I also completely understand what you were feeling. That’s the very reason I don’t have a lot of photos of myself. I never feel pretty enough or fit enough or attractive enough on them.
Kate took a few photos of my for my FTF fashion series, and she pointed out which were her favorites. They were all photos I would have immediately deleted. It’s kind of interesting to see how others view us, versus how we view ourselves. Grace, we so desperately need it.
You are gorgeous, and for the record, I LOVE these photos of you.
Whenever someone uses your full name, you know you better listen to what they say. 😉
You’re such a dear and thank you for your kind words!
It’s so funny that so many times the very things we wish we could change about ourselves are the very things that others find so unique and beautiful about us. We woman are strange creatures. 😀
I agree with Sarah, we are always so much more critical of ourselves than we are of others. We need to show ourselves some grace!
As for your photos Alicia; I love your smile in the first two and how absorbed in in love with Ayla in the second two. I didn’t notice one “bad” thing about them…except your gorgeous arms which made me momentarily jealous. 😉
Grace grace grace…absolutely. Usually easier said than done, but ABSOLUTELY!
The first thing I thought when I saw these pics on my Facebook feed was “she is just so beautiful” and I began thinking about what I could do to look as good as you ALWAYS do! (I mean really, how did you get so lucky to be funny, inspiring, creative, talented, AND look like a model??!?!?) And then I read your post. Like a rock between the eyes. It is so incredibly hard not to compare, but comparison truly is the thief of joy. Thank you for another challenging and inspiring blog post. And I would like to say, that you truly have the best hair. I mean seriously gorgeous.
Oh goodness, honey…you are sweet! And seriously, if you were to pop in on me during my days at home, you would see another story to my hair. 😉
It IS so incredibly hard not to compare ourselves to other people, but that comparison is so absolutely a thief to our joy and own sense of unique beauty.
Alica, for starters… I stumbled across your blog some time ago and have enjoyed it ever since. You write beautifully and honestly and I love that! This topic is one that is close to my heart… not so much because it’s something that I struggle with a lot (but please, don’t think that I never do! Maybe just not to the intent that some people do) but it’s important to me because my heart hurts for women who constantly believe these things. And I love to see that you have “come to grips” with it and take the stand to push those thoughts away! So thankful that Jesus gives victory and that you experienced it! You ARE beautiful! And the beauty that I see flowing from your heart into the things you write is even more beautiful! Blessings to you on your journey! “How you made me is amazing and wonderful. I praise you for that. What you have done is wonderful. I know that very well.” Psalm 139:14 NIRV
Hi Ruth! Thanks so much for reading + for your kind words of encouragement!
I am so thankful for the way we can conquer our battles (whatever they may be) through Jesus…He does give us strength and courage to fight and win.
What a great verse – thanks for sharing!! 😀
Dear Alicia,
Beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord? What a beauty she really is. My husband says; “nothing makes a woman more beautiful than her faith” Through seventeen years of marriage I can see this is true.
Real beauty may be hidden by the world, but it’s never hidden from God and most importantly our husbands.
Pressing on down this narrow road with you as we learn as wives and mothers to replace discontentment with dignity.
xo
What sweet words of life + encouragement! I LOVE your last paragraph there…and the challenge to replace discontentment with dignity. YES!!
I know your struggle…despising myself through my thoughts is a big battle for me. Thank you for sharing! Your words make me think!
It is such a big mind battle, and it can be HARD to replace those negative thoughts with truth. But you can do it, sister!
Alicia, this is one of my very favorite posts of yours (I’ve been reading here for several months now). Body image is such a huge struggle for me-the main things I see in the mirror are acne, crooked teeth, weird hair…all those things. I love how you’re able to recognize it when you’re telling lies to yourself, and then combat the lies with truth! You inspire me so much. AND you are so beautiful! xo
The funny thing is…often the very things we dislike the most about ourselves is what others LOVE about us. Those unique qualities about our personality and bodies are what make us US, and if we did away with them, we would hardly be truly ourselves.
Thanks so much for commenting + reading, Toni!
Before I read this post I was looking at the photo and thinking how absolutely stunning you both look. But I’m so there with you. I do this ALL the time. So much so that I’ve never questioned it or told myself to snap out of it and think differently.
To read that you struggle with your self image absolutely baffles me. You are so beautiful! Also, I could identify so much with what you wrote. After many years of battling daily with being ok with my appearance, I’ve learned that caving to your feelings will ruin you. You have to say “no” to what your feeling. Sometimes, if need be, yell it really loud to yourself. God isn’t asking us to be perfect. He’s asking us to rest in Him & to not worry about our bodies or the clothes we wear. Thankyou for being so vulnerable & talking openly about what you struggle with. It has encouraged me more than once!
Such good, GOOD words, dear! It’s so true that giving in to those feelings are what bring us down about ourselves…and learning to rise above what we feel and walk in TRUTH can be a hard but-oh-so-rewarding journey.
Thanks for reading!