Mother Love

I loved (and still love) reading birth stories when I was pregnant, and especially the ones that left you feeling inspired and excited about the goodness and beauty of new life. Reading about women’s experiences in childbirth was a good way for me to prepare and to learn what to expect during my own experience…although I was careful to filter out the overly dramatic and negative views that some people project about birth. It’s certainly good to be realistic about how birth can and does play out, but I just felt it was better for me to stay focused on the positive and non-dramatic stories as I developed my personal outlook and expectations for our upcoming birth.

I’ll start off by saying that our birth experience was truly a wonderful and beautiful one. Afterwards, I realized that it was actually everything I expected and wanted it to be. Of course it was challenging, but it was absolutely beautiful.

I went into labor on Saturday, May 9th around three o’lock in the afternoon (which is when i started timing contractions). I had a rough and virtually sleepless night on Friday night, but wasn’t experiencing any contractions during the night…it was just my hormones doing all kinds of crazy things and apparently getting ready to go into labor the next day! We got up around seven and had breakfast, and I ended up going back to bed for a three-hour nap right after that. Looking back now, I’m so thankful I was able to get some rest when I did. When I woke up from the nap, I realized that I was losing my mucous plug (sorry for tmi but this is a birth story after all, ha) I’ve never been quite so excited for that kind of thing before. I told Ben and texted my midwife about it, but I wouldn’t let myself get fully excited that we were actually getting ready for labor…I knew that sometimes labor will wait for days or weeks after losing the plug.

We went about our morning like normal, and I took a walk hoping it would help encourage things along. I was getting a few mild contractions throughout the morning, but nothing that felt time-able or noteworthy. And I was still determined to not get excited. I kept telling Ben that I’ll believe that I’m actually in labor only when I feel that baby coming out, ha! At three o’clock that afternoon, I decided to start timing the contractions that were definitely starting to feel more consistent and regular. They started out at around six minutes a part and forty-five seconds long, then would fluctuate to four minutes apart, then back to six minutes…but throughout the rest of the day, they were never longer than six minutes apart. The contractions were very manageable and I was pretty much able to breeze right through without much thought.

Ben went into town for pizza take-out for supper, and we sat on the deck and talked about whether or not this was the real thing…I was still not totally convinced. I was just so tired of feeling disappointed and discouraged with waiting for labor, that it just felt easier to not get too excited.

Contractions kept on right through the evening, and by nine o’clock they were an average three – four minutes apart and forty-five seconds long. My midwife came over at nine thirty to check up on us and listen to the baby’s heartbeat, and it was only when she told me that yep, we were in active labor that I really let myself believe it. This baby was coming!!! I wasn’t dilated very far yet, so we knew we had a night of labor ahead of us before things got too exciting. She went home and we settled down with a movie to help pass the time. Ben was able to sleep for a few hours during the night, which was good…I told him that I’d rather he sleep now and be rested for when I really needed him.

I’m amazed at how fast the night went by…it seemed to be morning before I knew it, even though I was awake the whole night. I did manage to doze a few times in between contractions, but mostly I was up just breathing through them. It felt almost surreal to be experiencing real, true contractions after reading and trying to learn about them for so many months. It definitely wasn’t a kind of pleasant, easy experience, but they also weren’t nearly as difficult as I thought they might be. By about the middle of the night, I did have to stop and concentrate on breathing during each one…but forty-five seconds goes by quickly and before I knew it, the contraction was finished and there was a rest before the next one. Every contraction was bringing us closer to the end of labor and to the beginning of a new life…and that thought was such a powerful motivator to staying excited and determined to tackle this thing!

My midwife and assistant came over the next morning, and we discovered I was dilated up to an eight! My contractions were definitely starting to intensify (a good sign!), but knowing that we were progressing well was a relief. Ben and I went for a slow walk down the road, stopping during each contraction and doing those long, deep breathes that were so key for me to stay relaxed. It did feel really good to get out for some fresh air and it was almost like this tangible feeling of newness was all around us.

Contractions stayed about the same length and intensity for the rest of the morning, and by around noon, I could tell things were changing and transition was happening. I remember reading and hearing how women “go into themselves” during this stage of labor and I didn’t really know what that meant…but you do just kinda go into yourself. It’s just like your world is just you and the contractions and that baby…nothing else really matters or registers. This stage took a lot of concentration, a lot of deep breathing, and actually a lot of walking and moving. My midwife told me to try to walk through the contractions, which seemed impossible to me when she mentioned it. But once I tried it, it was actually really helpful!

By early afternoon, the transition stage seemed to be ending, but my water still hadn’t broke. I was definitely ready for that thing to break so we could get that baby out! After a lot of effort and pushing, it finally broke and I was so relieved. We were ready for the last and final leg of this birth!

After my water broke, I got into the tub, which was where I had planned to have our baby. I had been in and out of the water a few times during labor, and in my experience, it was the nicest thing. There is something about water that is calming and relaxing, and I would have a hard time having another birth without at least the option to use water.

This part of the birth is a little fuzzy to me, because it felt like we had her out in a matter of only a few minutes after the water broke…but it was actually only after thirty minutes of active pushing that she arrived. I’m convinced that God does something with time distortion for laboring women, because the whole thing went by so quickly. I pushed and pushed, and soon felt her head crowning..which was the only confusing and slightly overwhelming part of my labor…it just felt so different and I didn’t know what to do with it at first. But you just do the only thing you can do…PUSH. And then suddenly she was out and her tiny little body was put into my arms and all I could do was fall back onto Ben’s chest and breath big sighs of relief and happiness. We had done it!

We just sat there for a few minutes…a little family of three. Ayla gave two little cries when she was born and then just laid on my chest…so alive and real and precious. After a few minutes, we remembered we still had to find out if we had a son or a daughter…and we were so thrilled to realize our little one was a girl! I was not surprised at all about her gender, and would have actually felt surprised if she wasn’t a girl. It was only in the last few weeks of pregnancy that I felt almost positive our baby was a girl. I even went out and got some specific girl things since I hardly had anything girly in my collection of baby clothes. Up to that point, we both would have said we felt that our baby was more boy than girl…but for some reason, that all changed in the last three weeks. We had our baby girl…our little daughter…and it was such a special thing.

We got out of the tub and cleaned up, and then spent the next hours (and days!) holding our baby girl and marveling at how beautiful and perfect and precious she was. My parents and sister arrived two hours after Ayla was born, and it was one of the most special moments to have them walk into the room and introduce them to my daughter. They were as smitten as we were.

Ayla was born at 2:52 pm on Sunday, so our labor lasted about twenty four hours. It didn’t seem nearly that long, and only the last three hours or so were ones that I would say felt like labor. And even during the transition and pushing stages, it was still a kind of beautiful and even sacred experience. Sometimes I think back and am still overwhelmed by the miracle of pregnancy and birth…and to think of all that a woman’s body is designed to do makes me realize that we truly are fearfully and wonderfully made.

People have asked if we would do a home birth again, and I say absolutely yes without a doubt. It was such a good experience for us and to go through labor in the comfort of my own home was truly wonderful! The whole thing was so peaceful and quiet, and I loved that so much. I realize that home birth isn’t for everyone, and it’s not a superior choice over a hospital or birthing center at all. But for us, it was the best experience.

To those who have yet to experience childbirth, I say this: it is a beautiful thing and expect it to be so. That doesn’t mean your labor and delivery won’t be without challenge or even complications (because so much of it is out of our own control), but don’t expect it. Expect Jesus to be with you and give you grace…expect joy and goodness and miracle…expect to explode with a kind of love you’ve never felt before the minute you lay your eyes on that little one that lived inside of you for so long. Birth isn’t easy, but it is so wonderfully good.

And once it’s over, you kind of feel like you can conquer the world.

What about you: moms, what is your advice to first-time mamas waiting for their own labor and delivery? What was the best thing about your own birth experience(s)?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!