Mother Love

I’m going to lay a few things out there today, so, hold on.

I haven’t made it a huge secret that I used to have some body image issues (here and here), and still wrestle with those thoughts and feelings even today. I know this isn’t an issue that I am alone in, and have connected with several young ladies and women who battle with eating disorders and tendencies. And while I have been set free from the prison of the eating disorder, there are still many mindsets and patterns and thought processes that are in the journey of redemption. It’s always so helpful for me to talk with different ones that battle the same thing and to realize again that someone gets it. As with any battle or struggle (alcohol, drug, pornography, etc.), you really only get it when you have personally experienced it. Until you walk through something,  you can certainly empathize and speak truth and care, but you really cannot get it. It’s totally easy for me to look at someone who is trying to quite smoking, for example, and be like “just stop it.” It feels so easy for me to see the answer…but I don’t know that battle. I haven’t experienced it.

I’m not going to talk much today about eating disorders and the things that came along with such battles…one day, but not today.

Today I want to talk about being pregnant and watching your body change and grow and wrestling with the feelings that come with that. Because we are women, and I believe that most of us wrestle with the standards set for us by our culture and our world. Goodness knows I do.

Being pregnant is amazing. I absolutely love it, and it has been one of the most incredible things so far in my life. I love feeling my baby inside of me and even watching my belly get bigger as he or she gets larger inside of me. I love this so much. But can I say this: some days I feel really huge and fat and anxious about what this pregnancy will end up doing to my body.

I actually have no idea how much weight I’ve gained in the past seven months of pregnancy. I haven’t stepped on the scale in over a year, and don’t even know what I weighed when I got pregnant. My midwife is fine with not tracking my weight, although I did offer to use the scale backwards so I couldn’t see the number. It might seem like a silly thing, but I know my weakness in this and I know that that number can mess with my head in ways that aren’t healthy or right. Maybe one day I can use the scale again and be totally unaffected…but for now, this is best for me. Some times I’m so curious about what I’ve gained…but it wouldn’t do me any good to find out my weight now anyway since I don’t know where I started. And you know…it’s liberating for me. It liberating to get away from the number and to just let my body do what it needs to do.

Before I got pregnant, I remember thinking a lot about pregnancy and feeling a little anxious about how I would handle the weight gain and changes that are necessary for a healthy pregnancy. Back when I was struggling with my eating disorder, I would think ahead to being pregnant one day and literally feel a measure of fear inside of me…because at that time in my life, gaining weight wasn’t an option and I was bound to do whatever it took to avoid it. Of course I knew that having a baby meant you had to change…your body had to change to grow a baby. And I was scared of that. That was one of the first things Ben and I prayed over together when we were working through the stronghold that eating and exercise had become in my life…renouncing the fear of pregnancy.

Since then, I haven’t felt fear about being pregnant…only the normal uncertainty and curiosity that I assume most women feel regarding pregnancy. I had no idea how my body would handle the changes, and while I didn’t fear them, I was maybe…nervous? I knew that every woman is different and that your body will do what it needs to do to grow a healthy baby.

Because of my eating disorder history, I made myself a promise when I found out that I was pregnant: that whenever I felt hungry, I would eat. I would not compromise the health of my little one because of my fears of gaining “too” much weight. Some days I eat all day long…some days my appetite is just normal. But I go with it, even when I start feeling annoyed at being so hungry and not even knowing what to eat next. I know that my body is doing what it needs to do, and if I’m feeling hungry, than it needs food.

Some days I feel so pretty and pregnant.
Some days I feel so blah and pregnant.
Some days I look in the mirror and feel cute.
Some days I look in the mirror and feel like a whale.

Pregnancy is glorious, and like I said, I do love it so much. But in all honesty, sometimes it’s hard to have my body out of my control. Some days I don’t feel pretty at all.

But this is the truth I’ve come to see: living life as a woman isn’t about feeling pretty. Living life as a woman is about walking in the design that we were created for, which includes growing babies and raising them and giving our lives (and bodies) for them. So the days that I do feel pretty and pregnant? I like those days. But for the days that I don’t, I have to choose to walk in the calling of the Lord as a woman and train my heart to rest in His truth about who I really am.

What about you: how did you deal with the anxieties and fears about what pregnancy would do to your body?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!