I feel like I’ve been getting hammered lately.
IN THE BEST WAY.
I feel like I’m in a season where so many things in my heart are being exposed and peeled away and transformed and changed. And truthfully? I like it. There are so many things in my heart that need to be exposed, peeled away, transformed, changed. I would say I’m aware of about maybe half of the those things…and the other half are stored away deep inside in complacent oblivion, carefully covered over with the belief that “it’s just normal to feel/act/believe this way.” But Jesus knows…He sees all the hidden things, and He so gently and carefully and sometimes forcefully shines His beautiful light into those dark places to bring a new life and light to the broken spots.
It feels good to feel yourself being changed, right? It feels good to encounter a situation or internal thought process that has always had a certain outcome and to realize that hey! something feels different here! i’m thinking different, acting different, believing different! *insert party emoji*
Three things that I’ve been hammered with lately:: shame, fear, identity. I can’t even say how many different ways God has worked on me in these three areas in the past few weeks. There have been so many sermons, songs, books, random quotes from social media, or quiet revelations that have blown these three things wide open in my heart, and it’s been like this constant stream of seeing how shame, fear, and lack of confident identity have been blocking me from the life that I want. But along with the revelations came hope and excitement, because it meant I could change. Seeing our issues and brokenness is the first step towards walking in a better way.
I was in town earlier this week stocking up on groceries, and the grocery store was in a little shopping plaza with some restaurants and retail stores, all of which were mostly high end shops. I drove by them all on my way to the parking garage without much of a second glance, because honestly, high end shops intimidate me like crazy. I don’t go into them, ever.
But for some reason that day, I just wanted to walk into the Anthropologie that was in the shopping plaza. It was a strange fancy, because honestly, most of their styles aren’t things I would really choose to wear. I’ve actually only been into this store a handful of times, because every single time I walk through the doors of a store like Anthro, I just felt like an imposter. Like there was this proverbial sign on my forehead signaling to the sales clerks and other shoppers that she doesn’t belong here. I would scurry around for a little, pretending to be seriously considering different items while surreptitiously looking for the price tag and trying to keep from visibly reacting to the numbers attached to a simple top or sweater. We all have our priorities, right? Mine simply isn’t spending a big amount of money on a single item of clothing. But the imposter feeling wasn’t because of the price tags…it was because of my heart that felt unworthy of the kind of things that Anthropologie sold. Who am I to think I’m good enough to set foot inside of these kind of places?
As I got in my car and started to pull away from the grocery store on Tuesday, I suddenly just wanted to walk into Anthropologie. Like I said, it was weird. I re-parked my car, strapped Ayla into the Ergo, and dashed through the rain into the store. As I walked through the door, a gorgeous, perfectly-styled sales clerk smiled at me and said hello…and in that moment, I realized something was different. I didn’t feel like an imposter in Anthropologie. I was dressed in jeans, a Target sweatshirt, and my hair was wet and ratty…and it didn’t matter. I felt worthy of being there. I browsed the racks and even picked out a few things to try on, and the whole time I was there, I never once felt intimidated or embarrassed of my very un-Anthro outfit or ratty hair or just of myself. I just had a fun time walking around the store…no shame, no unworthiness, no stupid lies telling me I was an idiot for even being there. It was awesome!
I didn’t buy anything that day, and honestly, probably never will. But my stepping into Anthropologie on that rainy morning wasn’t about that…it was about realizing that somehow my heart is changing to believe and know and feel the worthiness given to me by Jesus. It was about realizing that I don’t have to hang my head in shame when I walk into a store full of designer clothes and beautiful women. It was about realizing that I’m being set free in glorious new ways to be who I am, freely and fully.
And that, my friends, is something to be excited about.
And that is something I hope He is doing within your own heart as well.
What about you: do you find yourself feeling unworthy to do certain things or be in a certain place that seems “above” you
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
It is interesting that your post would be about this! I identify completely and specifically about that store. For some reason it represents high End style for us, but I am Usually relieved to find the clothing style isnt even something I’d wear and you can make a lot of the stuff yourself for less. Anthropology at Eastveiw mall is hiring for the holiday season and I am looking for a second job for wedding money, so they’re “hiring” sign caught my eye. But simultaneously something else caught me, like a shadowy screen was pulled back down over my eyes and something inside was like “how would you ever fit In? What would you wear to work and how would you ever connect to those girls? You would spend all your extra income buying clothes from the mall just to fit in.” So I hustled on my way, feeling odd, and surprised that those thoughts had (once again) just come out of nowhere and interrupted a perfectly fine day. I agree that we need to constantly peel back the layers of such insecurities and resentments that control our lives. We deserve to be proud of who we are and let our character shine through. A goal of mine is to be able to “go on my merry way” and not be brought to a halt by such negative thoughts. Thanks for posting in such an honest and down to earth fashion! Love to read and identify!
Oh girl, you should totally go for that job! Don’t let insecurity keep you from something you’d love to do!! 🙂
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about fear and insecurities and realizing more and more that we all have them, no matter how we appear on the outside. We may face them in different ways, but you are not alone in this.
Thanks for sharing your journey through this, it’s very encouraging!
You are so right:: every woman battles the insecurity issue in one way or another. It’s sad to think of it, but also encouraging knowing that others can identify with it too, right?
Thanks for reading!
oh I can relate to the feelings of fear and insecurity and have those feelings more times than I wish. Thank you for sharing!
I get them more times than I wish too…but thankfully they are happening less and less! Thanks for reading, Charis.
I tried to comment before, but apparently it didn’t go through?
Your words were so, so good for my soul. I’ve struggled long and hard with this-probably all my life, really, and this was such an encouraging read. Alicia, you are one of my absolute favorite bloggers-so many of your posts are just spot on. Thank you!
Thank you so much for reading + commenting, Veronica! I hope and pray that God leads you towards even more freedom + security in this area too!