I know what it’s like to feel ugly…and not just feel ugly, but believe ugly. And it’s not fun or right or how we are meant to feel and believe and live. You are not made to feel ugly.
On Saturday morning, we went out for a little family breakfast date. We got to the restaurant a few minutes before it opened, so of course I seized the opportunity to take some pictures of Ayla and Ben in a cute little alley right beside the parking lot. I snapped a few of them together, and then handed the camera to Ben so he could take some of me and Ayla. We tickled and laughed and “did kisses” for a few minutes in front of the camera together, and then headed over to the restaurant for breakfast.
We got back home after a few hours out, and after some cleaning and food prep for a big day of college football, I slipped the camera card into my computer to transfer the photos. I let them load while I washed some dishes, and then sat back down to look through them. My heart melted seeing all the sweet captures of Ben and Ayla…the love and connection they share always seems to come through so beautifully on film. I love it!
I kept flipping through the photos, just smiling…until I came to the start of the ones with me in them. Instantly my good feelings left, and instead it was like a giant rock had settled in my stomach, trying to choke out my heart. I literally wanted to cry…because there I was, right in front of my eyes, and I was so ugly.
“your face is so big and ridiculous.”
“you always look so stupid.”
“you are so fat.”
“you are so ugly.”
Those voices – the oh so familiar ones – started screaming in my head, and I just wanted to weep. I wanted to get angry at myself. I wanted to stop eating or to pick up some crash diet so I could fix all the parts of me that I was being told were ugly. I wanted to hate and hide and be ashamed. I wanted to be anything else but myself.
And let me tell you, I wanted to give in to these voices, these lies. I wanted to reach out to them and hold them to my chest and say “yes, yes, you’re right. i am ugly and fat and ridiculous”…because it all felt so true. But I’ve done that before…I’ve done it way too many times before in the past…and something inside of me was able to rise up and fight and say:: NO, NOT THIS TIME.
These things feel true, but they aren’t Truth.
I feel ugly, but I am beautiful.
I feel like hiding, but I am meant to be seen.
I feel stupid, but I am designed by glory.
And that day, I fought and won. I had to fight with my voice, you guys…I had to speak the truth of who I am out loud. I had to remind myself and I had to remind my enemy. I had to fight with my spirit and my heart and my mind by taking control of the thoughts and changing them to be truth instead of lies. And it worked:: my heart was set back to right and I was able to walk the rest of the day in confidence and beauty and life.
So I know what it’s like to feel ugly, and it’s awful. And I know that it’s not the way we are designed to feel, ever. I don’t care if you have stretch marks or cellulite or scars or acne or any other thing the world calls “flaws.” I don’t care if you have the “right” body type or are overweight or have a stretched out tummy from childbirth. I don’t care if you wear a size two or a size twenty two…you are not made to feel ugly, ever.
You are made to feel beautiful.
You are made to walk in confidence and rest as the woman you are.
You are made to be fully alive in your own skin, no matter what that skin looks like.
You are made to feel beautiful. Always.
What about you:: how do you fight the lies that come against you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
This has been my favorite quote from the book Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst, “Lies flee in the presence of truth.” I’m learning a lot right now about how situations in my past are influencing the way I feel about myself and my idea of motherhood. I started going to a therapist to have a subjective person help me tread through the lies I have been subconsciously believing and get to the truth by spending more time with Jesus and reading God’s word daily. I encourage you to read the book Uninvited and write the truth somewhere you can see it and read it daily.
Thank you for being so honest with your feelings. I felt exactly the same way recently about pictures I saw of my daughter and I. But the reality is, other people are not going to be as critical and they will most likely just see a beautiful mom loving on her kiddo. It’s our spirit that makes us truly beautiful.
That quote is so good, girl! Thanks for sharing!
Oh girl. A thousand yeses to this.❤
“These things feel true, but they aren’t Truth.
I feel ugly, but I am beautiful.
I feel like hiding, but I am meant to be seen.
I feel stupid, but I am designed by glory.”
I think I might frame this, beautiful friend.❤
You’re amazing, girl. Don’t forget it!
So timely! Thank you for speaking to my heart once again beautiful momma!❤️
Thank you for reading!
These words are so”everyday life” ..I am 71 and still need this kind of encouragement! Thank you my dear for the honesty that most of us (I) would not want to admit..this speaks to my heart..
I’m so glad you feel encouraged, and I hope you truly always FEEl beautiful.
I needed to read this…….at this very, exact moment. I could relate to every written word– seeing yourself-an image, reflection, anything- and cringing, wanting to cry + hide + hate on yourself. The fight is real and raging.
You are strong and amazing and gorgeous, sweet pie.
Wow! I love this! I’ve been following your journey and it what goes through your mind reminds me so much of the lies I once hung on to, and still at times struggle with. I heard a saying just recently that it takes so little effort to forgive, you only have to do it once, to resent you have to do it every day over and over and hang on to things. Is it possible we need to accept Gods forgiveness for the ugliness of our sin and stop resenting ourselves and say yes to the beauty He gives us!! God bless you for your openness!
This is so good and I think it’s so right about needing to say “yes” to the beauty that God gives us…to walk in it, and receive it, and be confident in it. Thanks for sharing!
This is so good Lish! I enjoy reading your posts about every day life and appreciate your honesty and real-ness! Thanks for the encouraging words of TRUTH! I so want to “grasp” the perfect love Jesus has for me! It’s exciting that He can show me more of it!:)
Thanks for reading, Juli! Your words are so sweet + encouraging.
Oh, I struggle so hard with this. Thank you for this beautiful reminder. ♥♥♥
If these photos are the ones you were talking about…Before I even read the post I thought to myself that the first picture was one of the most stunning I’ve ever seen of you. 😉