Do you ever have those moments or days or weeks or seasons when you just don’t like yourself very much?
Yeah, me too.
It’s not that I really struggle with feeling like a bad person or with guilt or like I’m a horrid wife/mama/friend. I mean, sure, I can always grow in each of life arenas, but that’s not the thing(s) about myself that I have a hard time being ok with generally.
The thing I can have a hard time with accepting about myself is…how I look.
You know those moments when you catch a wrong glance of yourself in the mirror or in the reverse camera view on a phone (goodness me that reverse cam! i’m convinced even the most gorgeous-ess of people couldn’t look normal in the reverse camera view on a phone, hehe) or when you’re in the dressing room and those mirrors and harsh lights just aren’t doing anything remotely good for your appearance and it makes you want to just throw down the clothes in frustration and walk out because what’s the point anyway and when your husband tells you that you are beautiful or look pretty and inside you feel like laughing and crying because it just feels so awfully untrue but yet you want it to be true…?
I really hope that you don’t know those moments at all. But I do, and I wish I didn’t. I wish I could always always always at every moment like myself completely. All of me. All of perfectly imperfect me. Maybe that’s a tall order in today’s world full of impossible standards and perfection driven appearance…but it’s my wish. Some days I feel pretty great, and I like those days. Sometimes I have an entire week when I don’t give unnecessary thought and emotions to not liking something about myself and those are good times! And I believe that one day those days and weeks will just last and last, and the inevitable lies that show up and tell me that I’m not good enough, perfect enough, beautiful enough will be distant memories. Yes, one day.
Lately I’ve been in a negative funk about myself, but I’m pulling myself out of it thank-you-very-much. It’s not so much that I’m having a hard time with my postpartum body, even though some things are squishier and bigger and just different all around. My little girl is worth all the squishiness in the world, and I would never ever ever trade her for the sake of having any part of my old self back. It’s really my whole issue with perfectionism that drives me to negativity, and that issue has been around far longer than the last ten months of pregnancy and postpartum-ness.
But like I said, I’m pulling myself out of my funk, choosing grace over perfectionism. I listened to this message again, and every word of it was so convicting and challenging to my heart. I have this quote from that sermon on my nightstand to remind me every day: Comparison and perfectionism brutalize a woman’s soul, and takes what is lovely and makes it reek of death. That literally pretty much sums it all up, right? Because when I’m in that funk of comparison and perfectionism, there is very little that is lovely about my life.
When I take anything about myself and compare it to someone else, I will always always always lose my own loveliness, my own beauty, my own self. It’s not that who I am is anything so super special…but who I am was created by God and that reason alone is enough to fight against the negative self-talk, the lies, the standards, and the idea that beautiful can be defined.
What about you: do you find yourself falling prey to the trap of comparing something or anything or everything about yourself to someone else? What are your tips in overcoming the comparison trap?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Some similar reading from the archives:
The One Thing That Keeps Me From Feeling Beautiful
The Thing I Crave
How To Feel Beautiful
What Makes a Woman Beautiful
This strikes very close to home with me. I just want to say…Be gentle with yourself, dear. Those postpartum hormones can stick around for quite awhile and they sure mess with your mind! I remember curling up on the floor in my closet and just feeling so ugly inside and out and then feeling stupid for even feeling that way. I love this verse…He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mothers with their young. Is. 40:11. I love to picture him taking special care of new mothers…maybe slowing his steps to give them time to catch up, maybe choosing an easier route to walk, a special hug at the end of the day. I will pray for you as you come to my mind. You are beautiful!
I need this today. I've been in such a funk and so frustrated with myself lately. I blame postpartum hormones and lack of sleep, but really, our bodies do amazing things and I wouldn't trade my precious baby for anything! It's not that I gained a ton of weight, or look 'bad' for being 2 months postpartum. But my mind plays tricks on me thinking I should already be back to normal – whatever 'normal' is! I'm not worried about the number on the scales but it's pretty depressing when non of your clothes fit. I'm choosing not to compare myself to other moms, but of course that's a challenge as well. It's a daily choice, and these days I'm extra thankful for God's grace 🙂
That verse is beautiful, Abigail! This season of being a new mum is a special and sometimes difficult one, with so much life change AND body change AND hormone change. 😉 I love your reminder that Jesus is a gentle shepherd helping us as we learn and grow and care for those little ones.
You are a dear!
I totally get this! Hormones + lack of sleep can do some crazy crazy things for us, huh? 😉 But those sweet babes are worth it, and I know that everything will “normal” out as time goes on.
Bless you, sweet mama!
Totally get this. My mom always told us the quote “comparison is the thief of joy.” It's so true. Whenever I think about everything someone else has or is I forget all that God has made me to be. When it comes to appearances it's so easy for me to look at other girls and think how perfect they are and how I wish something about me was different. Honestly, the more I put into my makeup or appearance the less happy I am. The more I just throw my hair up and focus on love the happier and more at peace I am!
The postpartum struggle is brutal; hang in there, and truly learn to believe your husband when he tells you that you look great, because you do.
For me, comparison often turns into competition. I am learning, time and again, that I need to celebrate the successes of others instead of letting jealousy creep in, making me feel like I need to achieve whatever it is that they have.
Comparison and competition isn't all bad. It can motivate change if used in the right way. But left unchecked it can ruin confidence and relationships.
There has got to be a balance somewhere, right?
Wow, Alicia! You just said what I wish I knew how to say…this struggle is one of the hardest battles I've been facing lately (only mine is not just looks, but personality as well. man did I hate everything about myself several months ago. it's getting better though.) I don't really have words to describe the struggle, but it's real and it's hard. And so, so brutal to your self-worth.
Thanks for writing this, Alicia. I need all the reminders I can get that I've been created the way God wants me to be. This gives me courage to keep going. Now I'm going to go read all your other posts about this. 🙂
I love that quote too! And it's so absolutely true.
The crazy thing that I'm fairly positive happens is “those other girls” that we look at who appear perfectly perfect to us have their very own set of dislikes about themselves. We women are a little crazy sometimes. 😉
Yes, absolutely…comparison+ competition seem to go hand-in-hand so much! And anytime I start competing with another women/friend/person, its like you said: it ruins confidence, relationships, happiness, etc.
I totally think there is a balance. I try to let others INSPIRE me, which is different than comparing and competing. It doesn't alway work, but we're learning. 😀
That's so sad to hear that you've hated so much about yourself! I know there has to be much to love, and I truly hope your eyes are opened up to the wonders + beauty that God has given to you.
Thanks so much for reading + for your sweet words of encouragement!