Do you ever have days or weeks or months where you just feel completely inadequate?
Like, there’s this niggling feeling that is riding under everything you do and everything you are, and it leaves you feeling like you’re just really, really failing at all that is important in life…when even the good you do do (don’t laugh at the do do…wait, no, yes, please laugh) doesn’t even feel like good. If you’ve ever felt like that, I’m here to say: me too.
I realized a few days ago that this little voice saying ‘you’re inadequate’ was playing over and over again in my head, and then I realized that it’s been doing that a really long time. And then I realized that this little thing in my head was starting to really ruin my life. Because isn’t it true that to do anything from a place of negativity will only leave you feeling like a failure no matter how amazing or good or perfect that thing was. That doesn’t meant we hype ourselves up with overwhelming positivity just so we can feel good about ourselves, but I think you get what I mean.
Here’s another moment of honesty: the last few months have been hard. Not hard in like a ‘this is super hard and i’m struggling and feeling overwhelmed’ kind of hard…but just…hard. Different. Anyone who’s been through a first trimester can probably understand this, because you’re just not yourself. I really struggled with feeling like such a failure as a wife and a friend and a person in general. I didn’t cook or clean or even get off the couch somedays. Ben would get home from work and I would hardly have energy to ask him about his day or give him a kiss. I felt like I was so wrapped up in my little world of nausea or exhaustion that everything else sorta faded away, and I didn’t like it. I’ve said it before, but I have an incredibly amazing husband who cared for me so kindly during those sickie days. He was so gracious about what I was feeling and never complained about the thrown together suppers or all the times I failed to remember to make something for his lunch. I couldn’t have done the last few months without him!
I like having things to do and I like taking care of my home and my kitchen and laundry and grocery shopping. I like feeling like I am contributing something to life instead of the one taking taking taking. And in the past months where the taking was happening a lot, it made me feel so inadequate. Like just one big failure.
Like one big I’ll-just-be-here-on-the-couch-while-my-husband-cooks-dinner-and-cleans-up-dinner-and-brings-me-tea-and-crackers kind of failure.
Grace is a really hard to give yourself sometimes, isn’t it? It seems more right to be harsh on yourself, to talk down on yourself because of all the failures, whether those are real or perceived ones. But I think if we don’t give ourselves grace than we will only fall into the horrible trap of feeling inadequate and feeling like we are just never enough and we never will be. And that, my dears, is a sad place to be.
So today I tell you and I tell myself this: that you are enough, and even in the places of your life where there is room for growth and improvement, than there is grace.
And grace is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
What about you: do you find yourself feeling inadequate easily? Do you find it hard to extend grace to yourself?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
This was me to a *tee* my first+ trimester! Pregnancy can take a hard toll on a woman and her identity, I found out, especially when you're hit with severe morning or evening or all-day sickness and see other pregnant women somehow managing to function quite normally. My husband, too, was everlastingly gracious and patient with me during the months when I felt like the World's Worst Wife… we are truly blessed among women to have their support and kindness while carrying their precious children. 🙂 But this too shall pass, I promise. And it makes “normal” life all the more cherished.
Thanks for the encouragement! My first trimester is almost ending and I'm definitely starting to feel better, and those normal days are so.much.fun. 🙂 And I had to smile at the “feeling like the World's Worst Wife”…I get that + also get the gratefulness for those gracious husbands who truly are the World's Best Husbands. 🙂
Alicia Friend. I can-NOT wait to see you in 2 weeks. Thank you for your honest heart. I love how you are so great at expressing yourself in words. I am not great in that area (not being negative here just stating facts). Expressing what I am feeling in a way that makes sense to others is very difficult for me and when i'm reading your posts sometimes I'm just like…”Yes, thats me. That's exactly what i've been feeling and just don't know how to express it.”
I have found myself in this pit of “in-adequacy” recently. I don't hear the voice every day, but when I do its so loud that all I can do is cry because sometimes my heart is so ugly that I see how inadequate I am as a Christian. Praise God I am not through Jesus. We are overcomer's Lady. 🙂 p.s. that little sermon was for myself.